Coronavirus Guidance

  1. Basically, you can’t leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.
  2. Masks are useless, but you should wear one because it can save you. It’s an optional suggestion that is mandatory.
  3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.
  4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.
  5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
  6. Gloves cause cross contamination and will make you sick, but they can still help.
  7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it’s important to the economy for us to GO OUT.
  8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, however there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.
  9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.
  10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no people had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there.
  11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms.
  12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand because it’s better not to go out and the gyms are closed.
  13. It’s better to get some fresh air but don’t go to parks, playgrounds or go for a walk. Don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not too old and not for too long or if you are pregnant.
  14. You can’t go to retirement homes and you should stay away from the elderly but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication to them.
  15. If you are sick, you can’t go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.
  16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn’t wear masks or gloves. But you have to have leave your groceries outside for 3 hours to decontaminate them.
  17. You can’t see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
  18. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don’t live under the same roof.
  19. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the same safe social distance.
  20. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn’t say hours, maybe days? It takes a damp environment unless it’s very dry.
  21. The virus stays in the air – or not, especially in a closed room. In one hour a sick person can infect ten. Remember, stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances studies show you should maintain a greater distance.
  22. We count the number of deaths but we don’t know how many people are infected as we have only tested those who were “almost dead” to find out if that’s what they will die of.
  23. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take it.
  24. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that?
  25. If you go to church you’ll go to jail because of COVID-19 and if you’re in jail you’ll be released because of COVID-19.
  26. It’s too dangerous for kids to be in school so we are going to open day care centers for them, which will be placed in schools.
  27. Wearing an N95 is the only reliable way to keep yourself safe but you shouldn’t wear one because we need to save them for healthcare workers. Instead you can use a homemade mask which is equally as effective because you made it yourself.

A bit of humor to liven your day. If the original source can be identified (reliably), appropriate attribution will be added.